Years ago I kept a diary.. not about the everyday things, but about the essentials.. about what kept me up at night, what kept my mind racing, things that struck me in the core of my being.. I started every entry with the words: “In all honesty, …”
I think today my blog deserves the same treatment.
In all honesty…
Mentally, I start sighing the moment I type these words.. because when I say this, it means that something is weighing me down.. There’s something I need to get off my chest..
In all honesty, I am not looking forward to my world trip.
Sounds crazy, right? Well, it’s not the trip itself I’m dreading.. Not at all.. I really can’t wait to board that plane and go on an adventure. It’s what I’m leaving behind that’s weighing me down..
Maybe it’s giving up my comforts and certainties.. Is it a smart decision to quit my job and spend all my money on a very long holiday, with the risk of being unemployed, broke and homeless when I get back?? The answer comes to mind very quickly: smart might not be the best way to put it, but it’s my dream and you should always follow your dreams if you get the chance.. and I got the chance! So no, I guess that’s not necessarily it..
Maybe it has much more to do with the people I’m leaving behind..
My family and friends’ lives will continue while I’m away.. I’m gonna be missing out on a lot of things, and Skype only compensates a small portion of that.. Is it really possible to maintain these relationships when I’m not there to experience everything with them? I would like to be confident that it is possible, but my confidence in that area suffered a huge blow last year..
In 2015, someone I held very dear to me decided to break off our friendship.. For me this was completely unexpected and absolutely brutal, and honestly, it still hurts. And despite me knowing it’s over and despite the fact that I don’t even want to reinstate the friendship anymore, it still feels like I’ll be definitively killing off every bit of hope there is left for us to reconnect, the moment I board that plane. It means shutting a door I didn’t know a year ago even existed. If that can happen to a friendship right under your nose, what will happen when you’re on the other side of the planet?
In October I made my choice to go on this world trip and I still stand 110% behind that decision.. I’m just insecure about the consequences it will have.. I guess only time can tell. There’s no point in worrying about it now..
Glad to get it off my chest though. Thanks for listening!
